Moral Monday {separating self worth from test scores.}

Today, our grade level took our science district assessment, and in a blink of an eye, sixteen questions made me feel so worthless - knocked the breath out of me and made me feel like a quarter's worth of work was wasted. 

On paper, it was. On paper, this quarter was mildly successful - only a medium percentage of my students performed proficient and at the end of the day, all of my students will be judged on a benchmark of fifth grade expectations and it will be a hit or miss. There won't be an A for effort or a check plus, because you tried your best - no, it will be a pass or fail. You made the cut or you didn't and that, my friends, is the scariest part of my job. 

You want to know real life teaching? This. This is it. This moment when you cry a Kim K ugly cry and ask yourself what could you have done better and where you went wrong. You can sugar coat it for yourself, and say you tried your best, but when only forty and some odd percent get it, you didn't try your best. 

Then the even harsher reality sets in, and you have to face your fears and separate your self worth from test scores, and reevaluate the plan for success. Success, even for my students, doesn't have an elevator and sometimes, we have to back a few floors after we realized the door we were working towards was locked. 

Even after three years, this is a hard lesson. It's an even harder lesson knowing that I have two amazing teachers on my grade level who are going to feeling the same feelings I am, and I cannot and will not let them attach their effectiveness or their worth as a teacher to these , numbers. No one told me not to do it, but I will tell them - I will tell all new teachers: 

You aren't your test scores. 
You aren't your data. 

You have to remember you had a purpose long before anyone had an opinion, and sometimes we have to go back to the drawing board and erase some lines and redraw our masterpiece. 

So, the moral this Monday: You aren't your test scores and if no one tells you, you're a good teacher.